Boundaries

What exactly are they? I have been meaning to write about this since the year 2020. I can’t recall what made me want to write about boundaries, but guessing this post was meant for 2025.

“Boundaries mean crossing limits, ” my spouse defined this when I was gaining insights into this piece.

“Boundaries depend on the extent of how you and someone are used to” he also added.

“Assuming we are driving on this single-lane road, and I cross over to the other side, the oncoming car from the other side wouldn’t be able to drive on their side.”That was an example I gave him while we tried dissecting the meaning of boundaries. Boundaries are more of encroaching on someone else’s space, especially where you are unwelcomed.

So, the conversation continued. “What exactly is crossing limits?” I enquired. He responded. ” When one does something to someone which is not their ordinary way of engaging, say, if one hugs you or touches you in a way that it’s not your usual of engagement to me, I think that’s crossing boundaries. He also added,” To me, I think boundaries are how we relate with people.”

“Explain what you mean, about how you relate with people as a type of boundary,” I asked. And he added that people of different relationships or different engagements relate differently depending on how well used we are with each other. Just like the hugging example. There are people we hug and there are people we give a simple handshake simply just because of how we are related to one another.  Then I said that’s a fair point and hence the discussion here.

So what are boundaries?

Lets start with consent.

Why do we often have the desire to ask for consent before engaging? Is it because we have been told it’s rightfully proper? Is it because it’s the custom of doing things? What happens if we don’t ask for consent from people? We can all imagine the answers streaming from encroachment, harassment, data breach, invasion, abuse etcetera. All these are possible names of things that will happen to you if you don’t seek consent. Hence breach of the boundaries code.

Building on our consent story. It doesn’t matter how good it is, it doesn’t matter how available it is, all that matters is we need to get permission to access it or approach it. (It here can be anything) And if we are denied access, we need to let it go, and should we insist, that act of insistent will be considered as a breach/ infringement and, hence crossing a boundary.

Different types of boundaries can be crossed if we don’t seek consent like physical boundaries, personal spaces, sexual boundaries, and even work boundaries. I think it’s safe to say that Boundaries are a form of self-respecting initiatives we place on others about how we would like to be handled or how we would like to interact with them, or self-respecting initiatives we place around ourselves on how we would like other people to interact or engage us.

If there’s a form of an unusual physical touch from one person to another where that touch was unconsented, then that’s safe to say that it’s a type of physical boundary crossed.

Assuming one grabs you by the hand or attempts to grab your behind, this act is not consented to, and it doesn’t matter who does it as long as you didn’t agree to it in the first place. If a partner intends to have a sexual non-consented engagement with their partner, then that’s also a breach and hence a boundary crossed it doesn’t matter whether married or long-term commitment. So many examples we can give about physical boundaries but guessing we all get the drift. If they don’t say Yes, then it’s safe to say they mean No.

Verbal Boundaries.

Just like the header, anything said to you or said by you to another that makes them feel some type of way that may spark emotions of fear, embarrassment, looking down upon, and disrespect, are all forms of verbal boundaries. Ever heard of the saying, “Sometimes it’s not about what we tell each other but also how we tell it makes the whole difference.” We could be speaking from a good place, but if the tone that’s used to explain whatever it is, is not proper, then either knowingly or unknowingly we have crossed a boundary.

“The aim is to speak with each other and not at each other. ” Because when we do, we are being disrespectful to other people. How many times have we called each other names out of being in a jocular mood with another person and noticed that the other person gets offended and still you don’t stop it? So many times, I guess. And mostly it could be because the first time it happened, they never said they were not comfortable, maybe they thought they misheard you but on the second and third instances you called them they didn’t like it. Why do we call each other names? What gives the authority to call me a name? Even if it’s a joke as long as they are not happy with it then just know you have crossed the other person’s boundaries, verbally.

Time Boundaries.

If there’s something that I have learned this year, is learning to be “selfish” with how I spend my time. Because time is important, time is Money, time is crucial, time is fast-paced, and everything else we might know about time. Therefore, we must spend it wisely. Set boundaries on who uses it up with you, or set boundaries on who you use your time on/ with? Sometimes people don’t have the honor of knowing that they are wasting your time. And that time they are wasting could have been directed to doing something meaningful.

I have heard people ask, what would I do if I had all the time in the world? And people would give endless answers about all the different things they would do had they got the time. Meaning that our lives are currently occupied with things, that we can’t afford to free up space for to accommodate the things we are passionate about. Now, having that in mind, do you still think that time shouldn’t be valued, protected, and spent wisely, just like money😉. I bet your answer is yes. Actually, they say Time is Money.

Having the knowledge of how precious and rare time is, it’s crucial to ensure we set boundaries on how we engage with it. Don’t procrastinate too long for things that can be done today, if you can do it now, and urgently. Procrastination is just not being mean(selfish) with your time, because that which could have been accomplished with the time you wasted may never get done on time simply because we didn’t set boundaries with our time.

What about Financial Boundaries?

Do we think these are important? Do we see a need to create boundaries when it comes to our finances?

I think it’s important. Hence the more reason we are usually encouraged by financial planners to use a Budget. As a tool to help you track your income and expenses, see where it goes, choose what to spend your money on, and the like. Budgeting is a tool to set financial boundaries with yourself and with others, see where you’re putting something aside for your future self, or just track your spending.

We need to get comfortable in understanding our financial obligations, whom we extend support to, and how much debt we accumulate even as we create boundaries with our finances. Because lack of boundaries will leave you drained, constrained, and even in debt because we didn’t draw the line in how we spent our incomes. Choose how you extend credit to people, and ensure you track this, especially when it’s money you have borrowed, how do you repay it, the people you lend, how do they repay it?

Lack of boundaries with our finances can lead to so many unavoidable circumstances because sometimes people fall out, because they didn’t return the borrowed money, or people didn’t return what’s owed to them, relationships and even marriages may collapse due to lack of boundaries in finances.

If there’s a purchase to be made and one partner goes ahead and purchases without informing the other partner or even utilizing joint funds for single ventures without the knowledge of the other person, that’s considered a breach of the financial boundary. When you are trusted with finances for a joint venture and you end up diverting the funds or even worse not completing the project you were responsible for, it’s still a breach of the financial boundary. When it comes to boundaries it’s ensuring that the same respect, you’d expect from other people is the same respect you extend to others in all angles.

Spiritual Boundaries..

I think it’s vital to have these so that when engaging with your spiritual realm, you do it silently without being intrusive. Just like religion, I think we are all believers who believe in a supernatural being. Our beliefs about faith are things that should be personal. We shouldn’t try to impose our beliefs on others just because we go by them because by doing so, guess what, we are breaking the boundaries. Avoid sharing or being excessive with your spiritual obligations when around others because when it comes to matters of faith, we know what we want out of it and less of having it imposed. The reverse is also true when you are practicing something just because you believe in it doesn’t mean that those around you should follow suit. Allow people to be, allow people to worship whomever and whatever at their own pace. And if their beliefs don’t go well with you, I think it’s best to keep quiet or stay away. But trying to change it to pursue someone to do something different from what they know and believe would simplify qualify as breaking boundaries.

Emotional Boundaries.

These are quite important to have for the sake of your own mental well-being. There are quite a handful of people who carry with them a lot of emotional baggage and many times they are looking to dump this baggage on someone. So, let’s be cautious to ensure people are not dumping their baggage on us. Choose to let in what you can and what you can’t let it be.

How exactly though do people cross this boundary?

It’s simple, when we let in what we shouldn’t. For instance, just because you don’t want to offend someone, they ask you to do something you are totally not up for it, but then you end up doing it anyway. By choosing to do that, in the end you are not happy or feel pushed into going out of your comfort, giving time that you didn’t have to doing things that leave you unhappy or drained. Is simply lacking boundaries in manning your own emotions. You allowed yourself to be used to accomplish other people’s desires and forgot those of your own.

Another reason why we find ourselves breaking this boundary is because we simply choose not to speak up. By avoiding telling your partner or friend that you are not available for the weekend or not up to going mountain climbing with them, for fear of letting them down you choose to be quiet and get hurt while at it.

I had a very interesting conversation yesterday with someone regarding emotional Boundaries. She explained it very well. How people’s words affect you. How are you able to separate what your feel from what they tell you. That’s where emotional Boundaries come in place. A simple way of saying is, you can’t control what people say or do to you, what you can however control is how you react. She explained that we need to ensure that we are responding to things and not reacting to things. I think this simply sums up emotional boundaries.

There are countless things we can set boundaries on. Phone boundaries. I actually never thought I’d even think that we need to create boundaries with our phones. How much time we spend on our phones, might take up opportune time for us to put it into something useful. I think phone boundaries go well with time boundaries. In addition to who has access to your phone, what information you have in it, and what you use it for.

I could go on and on about boundaries. But ending this here to reflect on the items already discussed above. Feel free to put your input and other types of boundaries that I might have left out, or expound more on what already shared above.

#sensesnhumor❤️