Play script written by @sensesnhumor
(Curtains open, and this dramatized scene is at a local brew den, where we see two friends exchanging words as they drink their liquor, shortly before the rest of the crew come in)
Zaza: “Don't you have better things to do at home than slack here and drink yourself silly?"
Zizi: “The fact that I am slacking here with you means that both of us are drinking ourselves silly and have nothing better to do.“
Zaza: “I mean, look at you, how many days has it been since you last stepped foot in your house? At least my situation is better than yours, I reported to this den just this morning, unlike you who has turned this den into a home."
Zizi: “So you think you are better? Please, listen to yourself before opening that stinking mouth of yours."
Zaza: “Has it now come to insults?“
Zizi: “You started it.“
Zaza: “Okay, for the sake of peace, let me enjoy my brew. In fact, let me move to the other bench there so I won't have to see your stupid face and smell your stinky breath.”
Zizi: “Enough with the insults else I will beat your shining bald head into a pulp.”
Zaza: “Me beat me? Never. Can you see how skinny you look? Your hands are trembling from the liquor you have been drinking for years. How can you beat a strong well-built man like me? (Stands up to flex his muscles)
Zizi: “Strong built! Who? You? Hahahaa my friend if you are strong built, then I am the undertaker. I can damage you."
Zaza: ” Undertaker? Did you even watch wrestling? How dare you refer to yourself as the undertaker? You can't throw a punch you silly man. Mmmhh. The undertaker ha!“
Zizi: “Me silly? Me, not able to throw a punch? Let me show you, come here you............(They both throw fists and punches in the air)
Mama Zimi: “Hey you cowards, break it off. Did you come to my den to fight? I don't want to be liable for anything. Pay for the mugs of brew that you both consumed and get your asses off my den before you get me into trouble.“
Zaza : “Aaahh ma, why are you being like this? Is it because we owe you some small liquor money that you think you have the right to shout at us? Are we your children?"
Mama Zimi: “I mean, look at the both of you. Drinking your wealth and time away. Like people who have nothing better to do in this life. You should be ashamed of yourselves. What are your wives saying about this?”
Zizi: “(Imitating Mama Zimi ), “What are your wives saying about this" What do they have to say? Are we not enriching you? After all, all you do is rip us off by serving us this bad tasting locally brewed liquor of yours from the pit. Who needs this stupid stinking drink anyway?” (Attempts to pour it on the mud floor)
Mama Zimi: “Hey you silly drunk man, I demand that you leave this den immediately! Don't you dare pour that liquor here! Do you know how much time I have spent curating the flavors of this brew? This brew can be an international drink! You just watch this space."
Zaza: “International? Woman, do you even know what is the meaning of international? Do you think it's a word that a local woman like you can use just anyhow? This brew I can tell you, cannot cross the borders of this village. Talking about international, you should hear yourself. In fact, top me up before I chock on your words, oh, international words hahaha"
Mama Zimi: “I swear the two of you will one day wake up and come knocking at my door to sell you my brew and I will be nowhere to be seen, I will be Abro,,,"
Zizi: “Abroad?! Is that what you wanted to say? Woman you dream too much. Please, please just top me up.”
Zaza: “The only place I can imagine you to be when you are not here is in prison, where they shall have arrested your fat greedy ass for selling to your highly esteemed customers bad liquor that will have turned them blind."
Mama Zimi: “It is you who will go blind first. Why are you speaking like this? Wouldn't it be an honour to see me scaling beyond imaginable heights because of this liquor?"
Zizi: “Haaaa!( Exclaims loudly) Please change the word from imaginable to unimaginable. Because that will never happen. Your fate is sealed here with us in this poor village. We shall drink ourselves silly until we all die here." (Both singing in bad voices and lots of hiccupping in between)
Zaza and Zizi : “Internaaaaational! Internaaaaational! Internaaaaational! Internaaaational! Internaaaational!“
Zimi: “Mummy why do you let these fools spoil your mood like this? Look at you crying this early morning because of these fools. What did they tell you this time?"
Mama Zimi: “That my brew stinks, and that I can never package it to sell it internationally. This brew that has schooled all of you and your siblings, ever since your father died, we have survived on this liquor, how can they say that?"
Zimi: “To be honest mum it stinks a little."
Mama Zimi: “Are you agreeing with them too? Look at you, didn't I take you to the university just selling this brew? Are you now agreeing with what Zaza and Zizi are saying?"
Zimi: “To be honest mum we just need to find another source of income, this liquor brewing business doesn't suit either of us."
Mama Zimi: “But what have you brought in return? Two babies? Babies who we don't know their fathers. You didn't even graduate Zimi. You could be working somewhere worthy and I wouldn't be selling this stinking brew. Please just go and top up the mugs of those silly men before you get me angry too."
Zaza and Zizi: (Cat calling out on Zimi with Prolonged Whistles)
Zaza: “Young fine girl. What do we have here? (Zaza Imitates to speak through the nose like an English man while staggering towards Zimi) “I am now in the University; I am a student studying BCOM in the university of ... (Scoffs out the University’s name). Look at the BCOM becoming here in the brewing den just like us. Your mother sold this brew to take you to school and in return you brought 2 degrees of children! Wonders will never end. You should have just stayed here with us"(Lets out a loud drank laughter)
Zimi: “I have been sent to come and top up your mugs is there anything else?"
Zaza: “Yes there's more. Please come and sit with us pretty university lady.” (Attempts to grab her behind).
Zimi: “I swear if you touch me with your filthy, stinky hands, I will...!"
Zaza: “What will you do? Was it us who told you to joke with your education? My friend come and sit with us!"
Zizi: “Yes sit with us or else we shall not pay your mother a dime for what we have consumed here.“
Zimi: (Calling her mother as she walks away from Zaza who tried to grab her hand) “Muuuum!! Muuum!!"
Mama Zimi: “What is it? ” (Emerging from the kitchen as she ties her loosely falling wrapper)
Zimi :”It's Zaza and Zizzi again,“
Mama Zimi:” What have they done? I thought you were meant to just top up their mugs. What's taking you so long?"
Zimi: “They want me to sit with them. And if I don't, they are threatening not to pay.“
Mama Zimi: “The two of you are getting on my nerves. Please leave this place immediately. Isn't it enough that you are always causing trouble in my den? Why would you want my daughter to sit with you two lost sheep? My daughter is a whole University graduate!
Zimi: “Maaa just leave them alone before they create another scene.”
Zaza: (Hiccups before he begins to talk). ” Did you say, graduate? When did the graduation party take place?"
Zaza: “Wasn't it you who told us that she dropped out of school and came home with two degrees in the name of children?"
Mama Zimi: “Whether she graduated or not is not your problem. Please don't include her in your trouble. You either drink by yourselves or call your wives to come and sit with you."
Zizi: “Our wives are busy milking goats“, (Both laughing loudly sarcastically).
Mama Zimi: “Good for them at least they are doing something meaningful with their lives unlike you two lazy stubborn drunkards. If only they knew how much of a waste both of you are,"
Zizi: “A waste whose money you are enjoying. (Hiccups) What time will you be serving us breakfast? We can't drink this liquor on empty stomachs you know!"
Mama Zimi: “Are the two of you sick in the head. Me? Serve you breakfast? Is this a buffet?"
Zaza: “A buff. What?“
Mama Zimi: “See, if the two of you had taken time to get some education you wouldn't be surprised by small words like buffet. If you took your education seriously you would be eating buffet in your houses."
Zaza: “Oh so now that you are talking a lot of English, is this part of you going international?" (A loud laughter breaks out from Zaza and Zizi shortly before Zizi’s Wife appears with a child in tow)
Child: (Running towards Zizi) “ Daddy Daddy!“
Zizi: (Picking up the child and staggers towards Mrs. Zizi shouting) “What is the meaning of this? How dare you bring my child to this filthy place? What is it this time? You women don't listen!"
Mrs. Zizi: (Imitating her husband’s words) “How dare you bring my child to this filthy place. How is it filthy when it's been your home for the last three days? How?"
Zizi:” At least here I am taken care of.”
Mrs Zizi: (Turns to Mama Zimi) You big black woman, what is my husband talking about? Why don't you chase him away to go back to his family? Or are you enjoying the little money he spends here at this den? Don't you know that the money he spends drinking here is meant for our food and utilities?”
Mama Zimi: (Sneers while Looking at Mrs. Zizi from head to toe then responds) ” My work is to brew liquor and sell it, not to police family affairs. If your husband chooses to sleep here that's not my problem. Is he married to me or to you?"
Mrs Zizi: “Listen to how you loosely speak. No wonder you are a grandmother at your young age. Your own child could not keep her legs together just like you!"
Mama Zimi: “Woman don't insult me. Take your stinking husband away from here. What do you expect of a man who drinks liquor consecutively for three days without showering? Please take him away and never bring a child here again. This is not a place for kids you know."
Mrs. Zizi: I wouldn't have come here had you not imprisoned him with your witchcraft."
Mama Zimi: ” It is you who is using witchcraft. How can a man disappear from his own house for three days? Aren't you the one who bewitched him out of his house?"
Mrs. Zizi: ” Is that how loosely you speak after squandering our wealth? My husband has been building your liquor empire without care for his household, and its well-being, and here you are talking about witchcraft. Wonders will never end.“
Child: Daddy I am hungry!
Zizi: Hey, you women, will you quit bickering and one of you cook some porridge for my little boy.“
Mama Zimi: Who is cooking porridge? Is this a restaurant or a liquor den?
Mrs Zizi: Tell us. After all, if our husbands can sleep and wake up here, who knows maybe you've turned this liquor den of yours into a prestigious BNB.
(While the bickering is going on, the chief suddenly shows up with Mrs Zaza, two babies, and another unknown young man)
Chief Ola: I am looking for one Zaza. Is he here by any chance?
Zaza: (Staggering his way up) “Chief Ola, to what do I owe this displeasure? (Says this amidst lots of hiccups)
Mrs Zaza: “My husband you can see we have company, not just my own, but our children are here and your other child and the chief. Can you compose yourself and speak to us like a responsible father?"
Zaza: “My son, I can see you have found me. After all these years. What brings you here?”
(Zizi interrupts)
Zizi: ” What do you mean son? Does it mean that this young man here is your son? My friend, how old are you again? I thought you were a youngster like me?"
Zaza: “This is my love child from way back, way, way back when I was in...”
Mrs Zaza: “We don't really care when you got him, what matters is right now in flesh and blood looking for his father.“
Chief Ola: “As you can see Zaza, like I said this is not a happy visit, first you abandon your current family and make camp at this liquor brewing den, only to find that you had already abandoned another family. What exactly are you doing? Are you trying to be the one to fill up the earth?"
Zaza: “Chief, you said it right. Filling up this world is my ordained purpose. After all, wasn't it mentioned in the bible that (Trying to imitate a priest) Oh Yee, go forth and fill the earth. What is wrong with doing something that even the Bible clearly allows? “
Mrs. Zaza: “Are you even listening to yourself. Or is this alcohol that you are taking that has now turned you into a madman? Who fills the world and abandons their family. Only a wicked man. Wicked man!"
Mama Zimi: “Ee and to what do I owe this pleasure Chief. Have you come to shut me down? I thought we had an agreement?"
Chief Ola: “I am not here for you (says this sheepishly) I am here for this man Zaza whose wife and prodigal child came looking for me to help them look for their lost husband and father only to find him here."
Zizi: “My friend. I see you got yourself into biiig trouble."
Zaza: “Same trouble as you. Please carry that child properly you are about to drop him.”
Child: “Papa I am still hungry."
Zizi: “Didn't I ask if we could get some porridge here? It seems we have a family reunion. Even the chief has graced our re-union. Isn't it morally right Mama Zimi that you serve us breakfast here?" (Says this as he retreats back to his seat releasing his child from his waist as he carefully places him on the bench)
Mama Zimi: (Smiles sheepishly) “Only because the Chief is here. (Shouts) Zimi! Zimi!"
Zimi: “What is it mum, why are you shouting?”
Mama Zimi: ” Please place the big pot on the fire we need to cook porridge for our guests"
Zimi: “Muuuum!!! Is this a hotel now? Are they going to pay for it?“
Chief Ola: “Is this her?” (Asking while looking at Zimi).
Mama Zimi: “Chief, this is not the place for that now“
Zimi: “What is he talking about?“
Chief Ola: “The sooner you tell her, the better for everyone and her."
Zimi: (Looking at her mother suspiciously) “What is he talking about?”
Zaza and Zizi: (Laughing in chorus) “Our dear girl, if only you had stayed in school. It seems you are the last one to find out. Your dear mother is planning to marry you off to the Chief!"
Zimi: (Exclaims and gasps) “Mum is this true?”
Mama Zimi: “But what is wrong with that? The chief will provide stability for you and your two degrees of children. Weren't you the one who said you wanted to stop selling liquor? I think this is a direct ticket out of it."
Zimi: “But mum, surely, isn't the chief like sixty years old? And doesn't he already have three wives?“
Chief Ola: “My dear girl, don't you worry about my young age, I still have the energy, I can take care of you."
Mrs. Zaza: “Wonders will never end, I even thought we brought you here to knock some sense into our drunkards of husbands, only to find out we accompanied you for a dowry negotiating ceremony."
Mrs. Zizi: “Aren't you even ashamed of yourself Chief? What will you be doing with four wives? In this impoverished village?"
Chief Ola: “A man can marry as many wives as he can.”
Zaza: (Adds) “And can drink as much liqueur as they wish. So Chief now that your dowry negotiation ceremony is over, can you now leave us in peace?"
Mrs Zaza: “This was a waste of time. Thinking we could get help here, we should have just continued milking the goats."
Mrs. Zizi: “I agree we should have just stayed at home instead of coming here to this useless place."
Strange young man: “Before anyone leaves, I have something to say.“
Zimi: (Trying to squint her eyes at the strange young man)
Mama Zimi: “What is it Zimi?“
Zimi: “Nothing mum.“
Mama Zimi: “But I saw the little eye fest you had with the young man.”
Zimi: "It's nothing mum.”
Strange young man: “Actually it's not nothing. I came for my wife and my children.“
Mama Zimi: “And which of these two women (Pointing at Mrs. Zaza and Mrs. Zizi) is your wife?”
Strange young man: “Actually it's none of them but her,”(Pointing at Zimi)
Mama Zimi: “Alaaas?!”
Zaza: “So wait, wait a minute. My son, you actually know this young woman? So the two degrees of children that I have been mocking around are actually my grandchildren? I think I am beginning to now sobber up.”
Zimi: "I thought I told you I wanted nothing to do with you!“
Chief Ola: “Young man, are you sure about what you are saying, didn't you just witness my own dowry negotiation a few seconds ago?“
Strange Young man: “You mean that hogwash? Can't you even see how old you are? As a matter of fact, I wanted you to lead us here peacefully so that I can take my wife and kids away without any trouble. (Looking at Zimi) Let's go!“
Strange young man: (Moving towards the chief) “I am actually a police officer (Retrieving his badge from his pocket) And all of you, I can arrest you if I want and shut down this madness of a den liquor brewing place."
Mama Zimi: “Zimi, did you know about any of this?"
Zimi: “But I mentioned to you several times that I didn't like it here."
Mama Zimi: “But did you have to get your own mother arrested for trying to fend for you and your two degrees of children? Is this how you repay me?"
Zimi: “But mum, maybe this is another opportunity for you to turn your life around and do something else. Far from this liquor business."
Mama Zimi: “And you think this young man will take care of you? Where has he been all this time? Will you now go back to school? Zimi, how could you!“
Strange young man: “Actually I plan on taking her back to school. And my kids too. I now have a stable source of income.“
Chief Ola: “I object! Mama Zimi will have to return all the money I have given her; I had already paid dowry for …”(Trying to grab Zimi’s hand)
Zaza: “You will not touch my daughter-in-law like that."
Chief Ola: “But weren't you catcalling her just a while ago before we got here?“
Zaza: “That was before I knew we were related. (Sounding remorseful) I am sorry my child"
Chief Ola: “You are truly a silly drunk man. How do you even believe any of this? How do you believe this young man here is telling the truth?“
Zaza: “This is my son. Can't you even see our resemblance? (Trying to get near the strange young man) We are look-alikes. I believe him and I think we all believe that Zimi is actually better off with him than with you. I think learning that I am a whole grandparent, I will stop drinking this stinking liquor and get my life in order.“
Zizi: “My friend, if you stop drinking this stupid liquor it means I will not have anyone else to drink with, I think I too will need to get my life in order and stop wasting myself here. After all, haven't we heard this den is now being shut down?“
Mama Zimi: ” What's that smell? (Running to the kitchen exclaiming) The whole pot of porridge burnt away while all this was happening!! So much for trying to feed you!"
Child: “Papa, I'm still hungry!“
*The end*
(They all bowed down as the curtains closed behind them)
#sensesnhumor
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