Happy Valentines Day Stranger…!

Melissa

Line 1: Hi, Melissa, are we still on for next week?…

Line 2: Hey babe, I have planned for a romantic surprise for us on valentines day…

Line 3: Hey girl what you doing on Vals?…

Line 4: Hey beautiful, let me know if there’s anything you need before our date next week…check your Mpesa..

Line 5: My beautiful girl Meli Meli, get your passport ready we are flying out for the weekend…

Line 6: Hey you, you good? I am still waiting, do we Netlix and chill?…

Line 7: Hey Angel, my wife will be out of town from Saturday, you will have me all to yourself, I can’t wait…

P: ”Melissaaaaah!!, All these men are after you, aren’t you the luckiest chick on campus? So who is it going to be? All these choices, yet I don’t have any, talk about luck girl. Does Pato know that you have all these men lined up? I hope he has something planned, something better than what these your crushes are promising.”

M: “Oh Phoebe you have no idea, I don’t even know what they want from me, just because I agreed to do a few mugs of coffee and glasses of wine with them, they think they can now own me…But a trip to Mauritius for the weekend wouldn’t hurt anybody, would it?”

P: “And where will you tell Pato you will be going to if he looks for you?”

M: “If, my dear, if. What if he doesn’t? He is barely concerned with such things anyway, I am sure he will be somewhere studying in the library or carrying out an anatomy assignment.”

P: “He is studying Medicine remember. Not Visual arts like you. Isn’t he studying for you, the both of you?”

M: “Both of us? Phoebe, I am studying too for myself, plus, I am still young, I owe it to myself to have some fun.”

P: “You! Study! , When was the last time you attended a physical lecture? All you have been doing is paying people to mark for your attendance and hand in over your assignments. I hope you know what you are doing Melissa, good guys like Pato, don’t come easily, he has a plan for the both of you remember, now that you seem to have neglected your studies.”

M: “Aaaaa, my friend please spare me the lecture, how do you know he is good? You are beginning to sound like my mother, or did she send you? I know, I have concentrated on my acting more than I have to my classes because the acting pay is what is putting me through school. Anyway, don’t you worry, I will find ways of making up for it.”

P: “By ways you mean visiting Prof. Eki in his office during wee hours?”

M: “You are beginning to irritate me, not all of us are on bursaries and scholarships, some of us have to work extra harder by all means to get through.”

P: “Relax girl, I am just looking out for you by making sure you don’t get into trouble under my watch, isn’t that what friends are for? Besides, I will be here waiting to vase the flowers you will receive, house your human sized teddy bears and eat all those chocolates because you and your body goals wouldn’t eat any.”

M: “So Robin is not around?”

P: “No he travelled last week to attend to his sick father back at home and from the look of things, he won’t be back in time to celebrate valentines.”

M: “Oh! Poor girl, madzaam monogamous, now you could have easily moved on to the next one.”

P: “Next one, I wish. We are not as voluptuous as you, to have every man ogling at us everywhere we walk. We are not that endowed you know. We just don’t have many choices like you. Otherwise we could have all moved on to the next one very easily. It’s not easy on us as it is easy for you.”

M: “Whatever sis, blame your creator, shaaaah! Let me scram through these voice messages and see whose offer I will be taking up. Netflix and chill, is he serious? Why would I want to spend a whole valentines day watching movies, are we teens? Next, this one whose wife travelled, what if she comes back unexpectedly and finds me with her man and pours hot water on me? I am not breaking peoples home anymore. Next, what am I doing on vals? He’s not even making any effort to suggest anything, total waste of time. Now this one whose even sent some cash on Mpesa sounds like an ideal plan, wait, how much did he even send, two thousand shillings! What am I supposed to do with this, buy airtime? ..And he wonders why I am not responding to his messages, msscheew…”

Pato

D: “Hey, ssup pal,”

PAT: “Don’t ssup me, “

D: “Okaaay, fine, what’s with the attitude man, she still hasn’t responded to your message? But what were you thinking telling her to come netflix and chill, a girl like Melissa deserves more than that. You know, take her out on a fancy dinner date, in a fancy restaurant, hire a limo to pick her up, get her flowers, you know that kind of stuff. If only she would even look at me, I would do more for her, unlike some people here.”

PAT: “Limo, are you even listening to yourself? Hire that with what money, fancy dinner, which of those restaurants can I afford? They didn’t even pay me in my last locum. I only offered what I could bruh.”

D: “And your offers have taken a whole three days to get a response. Mr Netflix!

PAT: Dude, don’t you have anything better to do like your choir practice or something instead of pissing me off? I know Melissa loves me she’s just confused. When I become a doctor, she…

D: “When, how many years do you think she’s willing to wait for you to succeed and become a doctor, that rich doctor? Even you, you are trying. You might have fallen in love because she didn’t know best but just know you are playing with fire. Do you know last weekend, I overheard people talking that someone dropped her at her hostel in a Porsche Cayenne? Man, I think she’s way out of your,,,”

PAT: “Out of my what, and so, what are you implying, that’s Derrick by the way, her manager from the acting company. I was aware he was dropping her because the show ended very late and she did not have any means back. She told me that herself. Besides, isn’t Derrick like what, fifty? What interest will she be having with an old man like him?”

D: “Mmmh mmh,,”

PAT: “Dude, just get a life, Melissa and I are meant to be, no one can tell me something different, she’s my chick, mine alone, and I will get her that limo if I have to prove it.”

D: “Suit yourself Pato. You can start to fuliza today as you prepare for Monday. Do I transfer my limit to you? ha ha ha!”

PAT: “Weeh kwenda!

Mr Ponyo

DER: “Meli Meli baby, how is that visa to Mauritius coming along? You know you young girls I just have to follow up, did they give it to you? I’d wish for us to travel on Saturday night, I already spoke to someone at the embassy to hasten yours baby girl Meli Meli. We are going to have some fun fun fun.”

M: “Oh yes I did Mr Ponyo.”

DER: “Aaaaa, nah, nah, call me Derrick, stop this mister, mister title. I told you baby girl you can call me Derrick whenever we are just the two of us it makes me feel like a young man. When we are at the acting company, you can call me Mr Ponyo because I am the director I have to keep my reputation, but if it’s just the two of us, call me Derrick. Am I clear baby girl Meli Meli?”

M: ”Yes I am clear Mist.. I mean Derrick.”

DER: “Good girl, now that’s my girl Meli Meli. I don’t even need you to pack too much, I will get you new outfits once we are there, is that right? I don’t want you to delay and spoil the fun. You are going to make me a very happy old man this valentine.”

M: “Yes Mist…I mean Yes Derrick.”

John

J: “Hey beautiful, so you never told me you got the money.”

M: “What money?”

J: “I told you, I sent you some cash to get yourself something in preparation for Valentines day, you mean you haven’t checked your mpesa yet, two days later, rich girl.”

M: “Oh, you mean the two thousand shillings? Wasn’t that money for my airtime?”

J: “Ah, come on Melisa, I gave you my hard earned money and you are calling that airtime? How much money do you think I make in the bank anyway?”

M: “I don’t know, enough to send me something decent. I mean, two thousand shillings is not even enough to buy a Millebaci lippie. You need to send me more if you still want to take me out on a date.”

J: “Aai even you, kwani you think I mine gold?”

M: ‘Look, John, you either matchup or match out.”

J: “Eeesh these your standards, okay let me see what I can do.”

Timo

T: “Heh finally Melissa, your phone has been engaged for a while, who have you been talking to?”

M: “Eeeh what nerves Timo, since when did a whole married man question who calls me or not, isn’t that a question reserved for your wife?”

T: “Aah it hasn’t gotten to that, I am sorry Angel, I was just checking on what I told you, how available I am for only you on valentine. I told you my wife is travelling, si you will come over?”

M: “Come over! To your house? Your wife’s house, you men joke too much.”

T: ”Melissa, okay what do you want us to do? You know I can’t be seen with you in public. What gives of my reputation as a man of the church being seen around with a lady that aint my wife? It’s safer for you to come here, please for the love of God. “

M: “Safer, Safer for you but not for me, I don’t think I am up for such a plan. What if she decides to cancel her trip and come back to surprise you? No, I don’t think I am up for it, come up with another plan and call me or forget about the whole thing.”

T: “Melissa, Mel,,, aaarrgh this chick just hang up on me!”

Andre’

M: “Hey Andre’ sorry I took so long to get back, you know I have been busy with class and all. So what is this romantic surprise you have for me?”

A: “I knew you’d call Melissa. But I am afraid, something just came up, something for work, you know how it is here.”

M: “Okay, so when do I expect to hear from you?”

A: “I’ll call you. In fact I have to go now. I have a meeting to run to but I will call you. Love you.”

M: “Why are handsome men like this? I think he even has a whole line waiting for him. It’s his loss anyway. Nobody stands Melissa up.”

Njoro

N: “Good morning Madam where to?”

M: “I am going to the airport and please hurry I have a flight to catch. I am traveling to Mauritius. My boyfriend is taking me out on a romantic getaway for valentines.”

N: “Wow madam, that is great. You women are lucky, you can enjoy such things. For us men, if only someone would gift me such an offer.”

M: ”Gift you? Why don’t you take yourself there? Save up and just go.”

N: “Aii madam nisave hadi lini nipate doo yakunipeleka Mauritius, unajua job ya Uber kweli?”

M: “Aah whatever, I think anyone who works harder can get everything they wish for.”

N: “Inakaa uko na sponsor wewe uongee hivyo. Kwanza mschana mdogo kama wewe ni rahisi kupotelea na hao masponyo. Just be careful, those people will use you and dump you I have seen many of your type getting lost and regretting.”

M: “Eeh kwani who do you think you are lecturing me about my relationships? Ata I can cancel this trip right here, I didn’t know I was coming in for a lecture.”

N: “Pole madam, wacha niache stori mob unaeza ata niekea one star wewe. I was just concerned. Like I would be for my younger sister because she looks exactly like you. Ako campus by the way munaeza kua ata muko same class.”

M: “You don’t have to be concerned because I am not your sister. We endesha tu gari. Aaa now who is this calling me? Pato, it’s you. What’s up?”

PAT: “Hi Melissa, I, I, was wondering whether you got my message. Will you come over on Monday? “

M: “Mmh the netflix plan thing? Naah, of all the things Pato, Netflix on Valentine day surely! I am sorry I can’t. In fact I will not be in town, I am traveling.”

PAT: “Traveling? To where Mel, I wanted us to spend time together. It’s valentine. And you are my girlfriend. Isn’t that what we are supposed to do, together?”

M: “Pato, please this is not the time, I will make it up to you when I come back. It’s a work thing from the acting. We shall be filming out of town.”

PAT: “Will you be traveling with Derrick?”

M: “Yea, why?”

PAT: “Nothing, I just needed to be sure.”

M: “Sure about what?”

PAT: “Some rumours I heard about him spending overly too much time with you. I hope you are weary of his age Mel, he is old enough to be your grandpa.”

M: “Pato I will not listen to this jealous talk, I will call you when I come back. Goodbye..”

N: “Madam huyo boy anasound disappointed.”

M: ”Why were you listening to my call, don’t you know it’s bad manners to eavesdrop?”

N: “Sorry madam but si ili kua loudspeaker.”

M: “Ata kama it’s still bad manners, aah, these calls are too much. Yes Timo, did you think of what I told you about. I told you to call me when you have a proper plan or has your wife suddenly changed her travelling plans and you are now cancelling?”

T: “Eh Angel, for the love of God, please don’t say that, you never got to hear what I had to say the other day you hang up on me. Anyway, I found a place that’s discreet enough where we could go that’s not my house or anywhere near it.”

M: “Wow good for you, but I am sorry to disappoint you, I will not be in town. I am travelling out of town this weekend.”

T: “Traveling? To where Angel? You don’t know what I had to go through getting that place only for you to tell me you will not be around. Nyi madem hutakaje? This is unfair, have mercy on me.”

M: “Listen Timo, I am not in the mood for your whining, I will make it up to you when I get back. Goodbye. Have fun, you can get one of your congregants to come over, ati Pastor.”

N: ” Na Madam kwani hawa machali ni wangapi? Si uko on demand? But hizo hips walahi. Ata Mimi singeachilia.”

M: “You are as crazy as the rest of them.”

N: ”But mi advise yangu ni moja, jichunge. Be careful. You are too young to be involved with all these men kwanza masponyo, utalia. Haya, airport ndio hapa. We have arrived. Wishing you a safe travel.”

M: Whatever, wee ata nakurate one star na hiyo kimebelembele yako, imekuja how much?

Mauritius Airport

DER: “Meli Meli baby girl, now this is going to be a weekend of fun fun fun for us. You will enjoy yourself here in Mauritius. You are just the company I needed this weekend baby girl. I can’t wait to introduce you to my friends and contacts. Here is where I do most of my businesses. Plus, you will make me a very happy old man this weekend.”

M: “Oh Derrick you say the nicest things, I am happy to be here with you, I am glad I came all this way for you and I just can’t wait to enjoy myself.”

DER : “Oh baby girl Meli Meli, just a minute, please hold this bag for your old man, I need to pick this call, it’s a business call. Just go ahead and check it out for me, I am right behind you. “

***

SEC: “Excuse me ma’am, we need to check your bag, we can see there is something in it we need to verify, please step aside.”

M: ”Okay, actually this bag is not even mine, it belongs to the man over ther,, oh where is he, it’s actually my boyfriend’s bag he was walking right behind me talking on the phone.”

SEC: “Ma’am, who are you talking about?”

M: “The gentleman with grey hair in a silver white shirt and yellow pair of shiny trousers, he had a fedora hat too.”

SEC: “No ma’am, please step aside, you will explain that to the authorities.”

M: “But what’s in it? Why are you harassing me ? It’s his bag! Derrick! Derrick! Where the hell is he?”

SEC: “I am afraid ma’am we shall have to cuff you and escort you to the authorities. Don’t you know how illegal it is to ferry drugs? In that bag you carried three kilos of cocaine. Were you transporting drugs? Who are you working with? How many of you are there? We have been getting so many cases like these with similar stories. You will have to tell us who you are working for.”

M: “This is a mistake sir, officer, officer, please, I dont know what you are talking about, I just landed with a friend and he asked me to carry this bag for him, that’s all, this is a mistake, you have to believe me.”

SEC: ” Yea yea yea, you will explain that to the authorities, please turn around, you have the right to remain silent…”

****

Line 1- Pato: Melissa!! Your face is plastered all over the media, says you are in Mauritius, thought you said you were out of town not out of the country? What is going on? Call me.

Line 2-Phoebe: Hey girl, what’s going on? Drugs? What in God’s name is happening, please call me back, where the hell is Derrick?

Line 3-John: Hee Melissa, you mean after dissing me and my two thousand shillings you went ahead to travel the world with a drug dealer? Wee kweli ni slay queen wewe. You reap what you sow.

Line 4 Timo: Angel, what is going on, I can now see why you refused my offer. Now see yourself. God has punished you for what you did to me.

Line 5- Njoro: Ee madam, this is Njoro, the uber guy who dropped you at the airport. I got your number from the Mpesa message you paid me with. Nilikua nawatch news then all of a sudden naona breaking news about this lady who got arrested in Mauritius for drug trafficking. Nikaona sura yako nikakumbuka. Madam nikama uko kwa ngori , si nilikushow hawa masponyo kuna venye. I just didn’t have a good feeling about the calls you were making. Waah pole madam.

Line 6- Melissa: Derrick! Finally, what in God’s name is happening. Why did you leave me, where are you? Were you carrying drugs in your parcel? Why did you give it to me if at all you knew what was inside? Please get me out of this mess now! Tell them the bag belongs to you. I demand to be released!”

Line 7- Mr. Ponyo: Meli Meli baby girl, you wanted enjoyment, there’s no free enjoyment my girl Meli Meli.

Line 6: Melissa: Whaaaat!!! Derrick! Mr Ponyo! You won’t get away with this!

***THE END***

Happy Valentines day to you readers/strangers.

We all have choices. Was there a better choice for Melissa to pick? That’s on you to figure out.

#sensesnhumor

#skit2022